What we walk between

Have you been riddled with insecurity? Afraid of failure not realizing failure is a part of life. Writhing with the sickness and anxiety that insecurity breeds.

I once found myself lying on the vintage hard wood framed futon couch that sat in the living room of my LA apartment, at risk of failing a project but completely unable to move off of the couch. I was anxious about its outcome. Insecure that it wouldn’t compare to my competition not realizing there was no competition. It was a project that I failed for fear of trying and embarrassing myself.

 

I spent many days just like Kate Gompert, smoking myself into thinking circles. Marijuana is the enemy of the critically self aware aka insecure. It leaves us in a continuous loop of avoiding anything and everything possible.  Yet still even without the “Bob Hope”  there is still this feeling, the pain of  which is really just insecurity that has yet to be dethroned. It lurks because it has power and it doesn’t know this (insecurity can’t think) you simply let it because you believe.

I relate to Kate Gompert on a whole different level than some of the other IJ characters.

 

3 Statements:

  1. WE ARE WHAT WE WALK BETWEEN (pg.81 , p3)
  2. TE OCCIDERE POSSUNT SED TE EDERE NON POSSUNT NEFAS EST(THEY CAN KILL YOU BUT THE LEGALITIES OF EATING YOU ARE QUITE A BIT DICIER) (pg.81, p4)
  3. THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS LIMITATIONS HAS NONE (pg.81, p4)

 

All 3 statements to me represent different aspects of the interaction with insecurity.

Insecurity at its core is a SELF issue and an understanding not only one’s self but how one exists in the world. We are what we walk between removing the idea that we are just the self and not the sum of our experiences. That we are gathered in those in between spaces. And therefore may be understood at any point as we become and others do as well.

They can kill you but the legalities of eating you are quite a bit dicier because nothing not even insecurity can combat conviction.

Experience can kill your spirit but it can’t necessarily destroy you. And if it can’t destroy you then you can always experience the regenerative powers of life.  We see this with Marathe and Steeply two guys shamelessly in drag in order to fulfill their convictions. It’s the willingness to be somewhat embarrassed for a cause they find greater than themselves that offers the power of  Self confidence that can—if they choose—transcend beyond the mission.

 

“The man who knows his limitations has none” is interesting in that it can be read as saying You have control over what limits you once you can identify it. Knowing insecurity firsthand we all know that isn’t true. In some terms this is the same mentality of control that often breeds insecurity because often not even the deepest convictions can completely overhaul who we are and the abilities we are naturally gifted. This can lead to instances where we find it necessary to mask or cover up our weaknesses.  Also the increasing desire to know more of one’s limitations in an attempt that often is fueled by desperation to fix every limitation that we perceive to be keeping us from something we desire. Using critical self awareness—Insecurity—as a weight similar to that in the ETA weight room.  We begin to find ourselves being pulled up not to our highest selves but to our insecurities—rising to a standard set by our limitations rather than pulling down the walls they create. And if “ everyone should get at least one good look at the eyes of a man who finds himself rising toward what he wants to pull down to himself…” We might one day find ourselves looking at our own eyes.

1 thought on “What we walk between”

  1. LOVE this post, Amari. I can also totally relate to Kate Gompert in so many ways. I think Wallace’s ability to convey that “analysis paralysis” feeling of being high through writing is one of the most stunning parts of the book. I also love how you analyze the three school mottos. That part has always stood out to me as probably significant but totally baffling.

    Like

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